Joke of the day

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?" Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

Joke of the day

A man went to see his doctor. "You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said. The man asked, "Why?" The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

Joke of day

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime. "Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

Joke of the day

A boy told his mom, "I couldn't sleep last night so I went into your room. Why were you jumping up and down on daddy?" His mom said, "Well dear, I was pushing the air out of him." The boy replied, "Oh then you're wasting your time. The lady next door blows him back up every day."

Joke of the day

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.
He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Joke of the day

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

Joke of the day

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?'' ''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?'' ''I'm Jim.'' ''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??'' ''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!'' So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says. ''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey. ''Is it your brother?'' ''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?'' Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved. ''Then, it must be your boyfriend!'' Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!'' ''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks. Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''

Joke of the day

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Joke of the day

A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.''
The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?''
The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real pretty in the water.''

Joke of the day

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

Joke of the day

Did you hear about the shoe factory that burnt down?

Two hundred soles were lost.

Joke of the day

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. Cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought, "I must be losing my mind. I swear we just went through a red light."A few minutes later, they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. This time, the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the next intersection to see what was going on.At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and yet they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Joke of the day

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

Quote of the day

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. Milton Berle

Joke of the day

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: Sip the vodka; don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass." We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him. When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T." When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry." The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Joke of the day

A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.

Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn''t make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.

The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."

When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."