Quote of the day

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. Robert Benchley

Joke of the day

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Quote of the day

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. Robert Orben

Photo of the day

Joke of the day

Medical researchers have started to using lawyers insead of rats for experiments. Lawyers are more plentiful, lab assistants don't get as attached to them, and there are some things rats won't do. However, it is hard to transfer the test results to humans.

Quote of the day

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. Robert Orben

Evil Scotsmat

Billy Conolly is a Scottish actor and a great comedian. He is the most famous Bristish stand-up comedian at the moment. I love him. Here is a clip from You Tube. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC12waH_Etk&mode=related&search=

Quote of the day

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

All toilet seats mysteriously disappeared from the police station last night.

The police have nothing to go on.

Photo of the day

Quote of the day

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. Bob Hope

Quote of the day

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

You spend most of your time in prison looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and into bars.

Quote of the day

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Photo of the day

Joke of the day

A farmer was asked why he was standing all day out on his farm.

He replied, "I'm trying to win the Nobel Prize. I hear they give it to people out standing in their field!"

Quote of the day

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Joke of the day

He says, "I know how to please a woman." She says, "Then please leave me alone".

Another quote of the day

The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

Photo of the day

Quote of the day

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Joke of the day

A priest was walking along a beach when he saw two locals pulling another man ashore with a rope. "How nice", said the priest. "Man helping his fellow man."

As he walked away, one local said, "Well, he obviously dosen't know anything about shark fishing."

Another joke

Why are bull sperm and politicians the same?

In each case, only one in a thousand works.

Quote of the day

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round. Willie Nelson

Joke of the day

Why don't aliens like to eat clowns?

Because clowns tase funny.

Photo of the day

Another quote of the day

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them. Bill Cosby

Quote of the day

Free love? as if love is anything but free. Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. Emma Goldman

Picture of the day

Another joke

Charles Dickens walked into a bar and asked for a martini, but walked out again when the barmen asked, "Olive or twist"?

Joke of the day

What happens if you play a country and western song backwards?

The singer gets his wife, house, and his job back.