Quote of the day

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Question of the day

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.

Joke of the day

What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?

Hair that stands straight up on your head!

Joke of the day

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

Joke of the day

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

Joke of the day

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Question of the day

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? Steven Wright

Quote of the day

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. Henny Youngman

Joke of the day

Dear Heavenly Father,I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

Picture of the day

Joke of the day

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

Quote of the day

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright

Joke of the day

A little boy and his father are walking down the street, and they see two dogs having sex.The little boy asks his father, “Daddy, what are they doing?”The father says, “Making a puppy.” So they walk on and go home.A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?”The father replies, “Making a baby.”The little boy says, “Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy.”

Joke of the day

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

Joke of the day

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Quote of the day

You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart. Jay London

Joke of the day

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

Quote of the day

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter. George Carlin

Quote of the day

I am a drinker with writing problems. Brendan Behan

Quote of the day

I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

Two men are on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is getting a blowjob by a 90-year-old woman.

Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.

"Don't look down."

Quote of the day

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down . Woody Allen

Joke of the day

Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."

"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."

"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

Joke of the day

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.
"Yes. You have no ears."
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.
"Yes. You're wearing contacts."
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"
"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

Joke of the day

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Quote of the day

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Les Brown

Quote of the day

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. Woody Allen

Joke of the day

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and theconductor takes the proffered ticket.

The lawyers were very impressed. On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes, one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket please."

Quote of the day

Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity. Sammy Davis, Jr.

Joke of the day

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always ruin his act by saying things like, “He has a card up his sleeve” or “He has a dove in his pocket.”
One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

Quote of the day

You know, Catholicism, we believed in the teachings of Cathol, and everything it stood for. Eddie Izzard

Joke of the day

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

Quote of the day

There are three side effects of acid: enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory, and I forget the third. Timothy Leary

Joke of the day

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied,

"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Quote of the day

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid. Eddie Izzard

Quote of the day

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Steven Wright

Joke of the day

There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer's BMW and pulled the horse out with it.

The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he'd pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.

he moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Quote of the day

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright

Picture of the day

Joke of the day

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."
With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.
The man says, "I want two more of these."

Quote of the day

Ninety-eight percent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other 2% have to generate their own sex and violence. Franklin P. Jones

Joke of the day

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Quote of the day

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take. Josh Billings

Picture of the day

Joke of the day

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Joke of the day

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun."Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.""Great," says the man. "But what's the gun for?""In case I fall down instead of the gorilla -- shoot the dog."

Quote of the day

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it. Jeff Foxworthy

Joke of the day

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Quote of the day

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. Spike Milligan

Another joke

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.
So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

Joke of the day

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

Quote of the day

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis

Joke of the day

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door. Jeff Foxworthy

Quote of the day

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. Groucho Marx

Joke of the day

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?"Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."

Quote of the day

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it. Rodney Dangerfield

Photo of the day

Joke of the day

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Quote of the day

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield

Joke of the day

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire. When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

Joke of the day

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.
After the nurse inserted the thermometer, she announced, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

Quote of the day

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year. Marty Allen

Joke of the day

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."

Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."

Joke of the day

A man went to doctor. The receptionist asked why he was there. He complained of seeing spots in front of his eyes. She asked, "Ever seen a doctor?" He replied, "No, just spots."

Photo of the day

Quote of the day

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. Joan Rivers

Joke of the day

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, "Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?"
The man asks, "Why would I be?"

The manager replies, "Because when the lawn seed grows, you'll need something to cut the grass with."

Surprisingly, the man buys a lawn mower. Then another man walks in and asks for a box of Tampax. The manager nudges the newly hired boy. The boy walks up to the man and says, "Right away, Sir. But, of course, you will be wanting a lawn mower with that, right?"

The shocked man asks, "Why?!"

The young man then replies, "Well, your weekend's screwed, so you might as well mow the lawn."

Quote of the day

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. Robert Benchley

Joke of the day

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

Quote of the day

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards. Robert Orben

Photo of the day

Joke of the day

Medical researchers have started to using lawyers insead of rats for experiments. Lawyers are more plentiful, lab assistants don't get as attached to them, and there are some things rats won't do. However, it is hard to transfer the test results to humans.

Quote of the day

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home. Robert Orben

Evil Scotsmat

Billy Conolly is a Scottish actor and a great comedian. He is the most famous Bristish stand-up comedian at the moment. I love him. Here is a clip from You Tube. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LC12waH_Etk&mode=related&search=

Quote of the day

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

All toilet seats mysteriously disappeared from the police station last night.

The police have nothing to go on.

Photo of the day

Quote of the day

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. Bob Hope

Quote of the day

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

You spend most of your time in prison looking through bars from the inside, wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and into bars.

Quote of the day

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album. Rita Rudner

Joke of the day

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Photo of the day

Joke of the day

A farmer was asked why he was standing all day out on his farm.

He replied, "I'm trying to win the Nobel Prize. I hear they give it to people out standing in their field!"

Quote of the day

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

Joke of the day

He says, "I know how to please a woman." She says, "Then please leave me alone".

Another quote of the day

The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin

Photo of the day

Quote of the day

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

Joke of the day

A priest was walking along a beach when he saw two locals pulling another man ashore with a rope. "How nice", said the priest. "Man helping his fellow man."

As he walked away, one local said, "Well, he obviously dosen't know anything about shark fishing."

Another joke

Why are bull sperm and politicians the same?

In each case, only one in a thousand works.

Quote of the day

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round. Willie Nelson

Joke of the day

Why don't aliens like to eat clowns?

Because clowns tase funny.

Photo of the day

Another quote of the day

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them. Bill Cosby

Quote of the day

Free love? as if love is anything but free. Man has bought brains, but all the millions in the world have failed to buy love. Emma Goldman

Picture of the day

Another joke

Charles Dickens walked into a bar and asked for a martini, but walked out again when the barmen asked, "Olive or twist"?

Joke of the day

What happens if you play a country and western song backwards?

The singer gets his wife, house, and his job back.